The End Of An Era

For the first time since arriving here, I am having a very low day.  It actually started last night at bed time.  Prior to turning in for bed, I had enjoyed a nice evening.  My studying went well and then I took a somewhat later walk.  I usually walk for about thirty to forty minutes in the evening.  It has been about five to ten degrees cooler here than it has been in Dallas, so the walks have been very pleasant.  Harper and I used to walk Pickles together in the evening and I always enjoyed our conversations.  So last night I called Harper and took him on the walk with me.  I really enjoyed the experience and felt good when I returned home.  I read a little bit more and wound down with a mindless tv show.  When I hit the sheets, however, my mood changed.  I suddenly found myself missing Hayden and feeling deep regret over not being able to see him off when he leaves for college next Tuesday morning.  I was then struck with the realization that I was coming to the end of an era in my life.  I was no longer going to be the father of three boys; instead, I am the father of three young men.

I had hoped to hit this period of life with a feeling of pride and accomplishment.  Of course I do have feelings of tremendous pride and accomplishment.  No one could ask for three finer young men than our sons.  But the overwhelming emotion I experienced was a profound sense of loss.  I threw everything I had emotionally into raising my sons.  I love them all deeply and derived immense pleasure from being beside them as they grew.  I did not develop friendships with other adults, choosing instead to invest myself into my little buddies.  No other investment has paid greater dividends.  I defined myself as the father of these three boys and was proud to be seen as such.

Harper went off to college, but close by in Richardson.  In fact, he moved back home for the last couple of years of college.  Harry went next down to Austin for school, but came home (sometimes) in the summer and I still had Hayden at home.  Harper moved to Tucson in January and got married in April.  Harry secured a great job offer at the end of this summer and will graduate next May.  But the hardest thing for me yet seems to be the fact that Hayden leaves for Ohio this coming Tuesday.  I struggled with deep sadness last night, but finally went to sleep.

Waking up this morning, I was hoping to be able to shrug off last night’s sadness.  Unfortunately, the feelings have carried over to today.  I spent the first part of the morning studying, but the waves of sadness that sweep over me has made it difficult to focus.  I ran to the store to pick up the few stray items I needed for my quinoa recipe, made the dish and started laundry.  Still, the sadness remains.  I have decided to write this post in the hopes that the act of getting my feelings off my chest will release me from this sadness.  I remember a time when Hayden was around four years old when he asked me a very profound question.  He wanted to know how, after someone grows up, he gets to be little again.  I explained to him that it did not happen like that.  Life is a one way street and once you grow up, you are grown up for the rest of your life.  Hayden was struck with immediate grief and started crying.  “But I like being little,” he lamented.  I think that I have finally come up with the correct answer to Hayden’s question.  You get to be little again, at least in some part, when you have children of your own and get to experience life through their eyes.  Looking back on it all I see that now.  I got to go back to being little again with every soccer game, hockey game, pinewood derby, late night swimming session, card game, and such.  With all of that winding down, I now feel like Hayden did when he discovered that he would lose his innocence of youth.

 When will I get to be little again?  Maybe it will be if I am blessed with grandchildren.  Maybe it will be when the family gathers for holidays and we all act like children again.  Although these times may not be as numerous or consistent as the time I had with my boys, they are times to look forward to and to cherish.  I need to recognize that I was blessed with a second installment of youth when I was blessed with my three boys.  I need to relish that experience rather than wallow in feelings of loss over a bygone era.  Thank you boys/men for giving me unmeasured joy over the past twenty-four years.  I am very proud of you and look forward to watching your continued maturation over the coming years.  May the Lord bless you with the same joy I had in raising little ones of you own and, if so, cherish every moment of it because, though it may seem to be a struggle at times, it is fleeting.

Update — I drafted the post earlier but held up on posting it until I felt better, which I do now.  I think that the act of expressing all of this was helpful.  Thank you for allowing me to cry on your shoulder.  I will try not to abuse the privilege.